Pat Schaller, a 73-year-old retired nurse, met a man at a local beer garden about a year ago in Waukesha, the Milwaukee suburb where she lives. 

Dating wasn’t initially on her mind, she says. 

But when he eventually asked for her number three weeks later, a connection sparked. The two began communicating over text and regularly enjoying trivia nights and other outings together. 

Six weeks into spending time together, Schaller was already skeptical. The man treated her as more than a friend, but the lack of physical intimacy within the relationship puzzled her, she says. When she asked him to clarify what they were, he told her he wanted to remain friends for the moment but maybe pursue “something deeper” down the road.

She later discussed the events of the relationship with a friend, who called it a “‘stillbirth.”’

“I laughed really hard and said, ‘Yeah, that’s about it, it was dead,’” Schaller says.

After nine months of feeling strung along, Schaller decided to end things by confronting the man about his unresponsiveness to a message she had sent about planning to attend a movie together.

Confusion lingered.

Schaller began searching for answers to explain the relationship’s failure and quickly realized she wasn’t alone. In fact, she was in the company of more than 125,000 others — a number that’s growing by hundreds to thousands each week — seeking guidance on this exact issue.

That’s when Schaller joined the Burned Haystack Dating Method Facebook group, a community for women and nonbinary people seeking long-term, monogamous relationships, mainly through online dating on apps like Hinge, Tinder and Bumble. 

UW–Green Bay professor, researcher and writer Jennie Young established the group as a safe space for women and nonbinary people. While this is outlined on the Facebook page’s “About” section, hundreds of men have tried to enter the group and some have accidentally been let in, Young says. 

They were removed and are not allowed in the first place because many of those who entered attempted to set up dates with others in the group or began arguments in response to others’ posts.

“It always starts with, ‘Just to play a devil’s advocate,’ or, ‘From my perspective, as a man, let me tell you about your female experience,’” Young says.

The Facebook group is a vessel for people to discuss the Burned Haystack Dating Method, a set of guidelines Young created for using dating apps to find a partner. About 3 in 10 Americans have used a dating site or app, according to the Pew Research Center.

Young initially developed the method to navigate dating apps effectively herself, intending to share her insights with others, carving a path for those on similar journeys. She began by comparing dating to the age-old idiom of finding a needle in a haystack.

And the fastest way to find it? 

Burn that haystack. 

The Burned Haystack Dating Method consists of 10 rules, the most important being No. 4 — block to burn, Young says. She encourages users to block profiles of those they do not immediately connect with rather than “swiping left” or simply ignoring messages. Other key rules include No. 3 — no notifications, and No. 5 — don’t fight on the apps. 

When Young first got on dating apps at age 50, she felt the same bewilderment Schaller did in her relationship that began in person but remained heavily online. Young mentions the term “breadcrumbing” used to describe the experience of being strung along — a common experience many women have endured dating in a world where texting can be the main form of communication.

“I’m not going through my whole life mystified and unable to communicate, and I have a PhD in English,” Young says. “I know how to use words. So then I started thinking, it can’t just be me, I can’t be the only one having these bizarre experiences.”

As an academic, Young decided to attempt to resolve this frustration by turning online dating into an intellectual project. The Burned Haystack Dating Method is grounded in a modern form of rhetorical analysis called critical discourse analysis, Young says.

Young closely follows American linguist James Paul Gee’s approach to this analysis, which encourages scholars to ask up to 42 questions about a passage to understand it without relying on explicit statements. Through her online community, Young teaches women to read between the lines and apply this strategy with the people they message on dating apps. 

Critical discourse analysis also applies to semiotics — the study of signs and symbols — which Burned Haystack Dating Method followers can use to analyze dating app profiles. Young used this in the past to recognize a white supremacist symbol on the T-shirt of a man who messaged her.

The method is grounded not only in rhetoric, but in science. The block to burn rule dramatically reduces the size of potential suitors dating app users have to review. While on the surface level, having less options might seem like an issue, it can be an opportunity. 

UW–Madison communication arts professor Catalina Toma’s research suggests that smaller choice sets are most satisfying and effective for online daters. This has to do with the “grass is always greener” phenomenon — the more choices, the more stress in making the right one.

“Imagine all of these other scenarios, all of these paths taken, and that creates a lot of burden on people’s mental states and makes them more regretful,” Toma says. “Having smaller sets gives you fewer opportunities for asking the ‘What if?’ questions and for experiencing regret.”

Toma’s research also found that 80% of online daters lied on their profiles about at least one of the following characteristics: height, weight or age— typically minor things, but enough to warrant criticism when going through the apps.

To simplify the more technical aspects of the Burned Haystack Dating Method, followers should treat online dating more like looking for a job than placing a takeout order, Young says. This means preparing yourself to look for a relationship rather than focusing on the kind of person you want to “order,” which is not a good mentality for finding a long-term relationship.

Adopting a more logical, woman-focused approach to online dating has been an empowering experience for Kate Vieira, a 47-year-old UW–Madison professor specializing in writing studies.

She calls the method a feminist guidebook that has helped her respect herself and trust her own good judgment when it comes to dating.

Navigating the dating world can feel like something women are supposed to understand intuitively. But that’s not the case, Vieira says. It’s often challenging.

With a successful career, active social life and full custody of her daughter, Young and the Burned Haystack Dating Method have helped Vieira feel as comfortable in the dating world as she does in other areas of her life. 

“I feel like it’s a pretty lucky and really historically recent thing that I could live such a liberated life as a single woman, you know?” Vieira says. “Then dating is kind of in this black box, in a way, it’s this mysterious thing? So I guess [Young] just kind of makes it clear.”

Ironically, Vieira jokes that the Burned Haystack Dating Method’s selectivity has led her to going on fewer dates, but with better outcomes as she is no longer wasting her time. 

Schaller agrees, saying the method has helped her spot red flags in previous relationships — including her previous 17-year marriage — and in current potential partners.

Both Schaller and Vieira stress the importance of being comfortable with oneself first and the value in staying single rather than jumping into a relationship that doesn’t meet one’s expectations. 

“They always say, ‘Oh, you’re being too picky.’ No, you should be picky,” Schaller says. “Why waste your time and get into a bad relationship?”

Women are socialized to prioritize others’ feelings and feel the need to justify ending a connection, which can lead to them enduring mistreatment for trying to “nicely” say goodbye, Young says. The method empowers women because it tells them that they are allowed to walk away from situations that make them feel uncomfortable or that don’t serve them.

The method aims to help users find that “needle” in a haystack — a long-term, monogamous partner. But maybe even more so, users come away with an understanding that they are allowed and encouraged to take the necessary measures to find the relationship they want to be in — even if that means staying single for a while.

“I get messages all the time that say, ‘I haven’t met anybody yet, but I don’t even care, because I’m so much happier and I love this community of women and nonbinary people, and it’s mutually supportive,’” Young says.

Cover photo and tile photo: Illustration by Ava McNarney